Category: LOVE AND SEX AND MARRIAGE


COMING OF AGE: HOW FATHERHOOD WILL AFFECT JAY-Z AND HIP HOP

Filed Under: LOVE AND SEX AND MARRIAGE by showtime — 4 Comments
August 29, 2011

SHOWTIME SAYS…

There is no question that the defining moment of this year’s MTV Video Music Awards was Beyonce revealing’ to the world that she and her husband Jay-Z are having their first child. Bey at the age of 29 and Jay at the age of 41 are definitely royalty when it comes to music and entertainment, so of course the news came with much excitement and jubilation to fans across the country when the news hit that the couple had conceived their first child.   We have all watched as best we could as their relationship developed from eluding the media during their courtship and deflecting questions about their relationship to their secret wedding to those moments when they showed off their love for each other in public. In some of our own minds, there is a sense that we are just as involved in their relationship as they are themselves.  

So now that  they have  shared their very special moment with us, as fans we are a part of what will be one of the most notable pregnancies in the history of pop culture.   This isn’t something that could be denied like the couple did with their relationship for so many years.  This is a BABY…the heir to a throne that most of us have watched for many years.   Beyonce being the ultimate performer that she is will obviously continue to perform for as long as possible.  So I’m sure they kept it to themselves for as long as they could, but now that the cat is out of the bag I think the question needs to be asked how Hip Hop will respond to it’s proverbial king becoming a father. 

When I watched Beyonce unveil her baby belly I couldn’t help but wonder how Jay was going to react. Mr. Carter is usually calm and cool. He rarely changes his demeanor and rarely ever shows any sort of emotion other than a brief smile and his trademark chuckle.  When the camera panned over to show Jay and Ye jumping up and down and slapping each other high 5′s it was apparent to me that we are witnessing another evolution in the life of  Sean Carter.  I saw something in Jay’s eyes that only a father could understand…There was a certain glimmer as to say that this is bigger than me…this is bigger than Hip Hop…this  is one of  THOSE things and one of THOSE moments that no amount of money could buy.  From Reasonable Doubt to proud papa, one of Hip Hop’s most revered figures is stepping into the realm of fatherhood

Jay and Bey started their family in what many people consider to be “the right way”.  They dated, got married, and then made plans to become parents and then they conceived a child.   In today’s society we see so many examples of fathers continuously creating children without any sort of  long term commitment to their child’s mother ( i.e. Lil Wayne and his list of ‘baby mammas’) .  The culture itself usually breeds the idea that the way to live your life is to live a life filled with promiscuity without any regard for the consequences. Jay himself even said “You know I thug ‘em, f*ck ‘em, love ‘em, leave ‘em ‘Cause I don’t f*ckin’ need ‘em Take ‘em out the hood, keep ‘em lookin good But I don’t f*ckin’ feed ‘em ”  Who would have ever thought that the man who coined the phrase ‘Big Pimpin’ would actually be settling down with a wife, having a baby and setting a good example for those young men who look up to him.  

Now that Jay is going to be a father, what does that mean for Hip  Hop? I think we need to take a look at what fatherhood  means to our culture and what things can be learned from this situation.   Our culture today as we see it on TV and hear it on the radio  isn’t the most family friendly form of entertainment.  You rarely see rappers who are settled down and raising a family, and those that we do see are often brushed to the side as “old heads” or “played out”.  While rappers like Snoop Dogg, The Game, Dr. Dre, Will” The Fresh Prince” Smith, Nick Cannon, Big Boi and a few others  proudly show off their wife and kids, lets be honest Hip Hop and fatherhood just don’t seem to mesh well on the surface.  

I think Jay is in a very unique position right now.  He has the ability to show that being a part of your child’s life and having a two parent household is actually the COOL thing to do.  For year’s Jay has been the benchmark when it came to success in our culture.  If Jay-Z drinks a liquor, so do the masses.  If Jay-Z wears a particular brand of clothing, so do the masses.  As a businessman and as an artist he has received accolades from a who’s who list of folks including Oprah, Barack Obama and Bill Gates.  What we are about to witness with this new baby is big business kid! I don’t mean business in the sense of putting a monetary value on the child’s life, but business as in fathers getting down in the trenches and doing the things that they need to do to be a part of their child’s life. 

Just like Sean Carter the businessman isn’t the same as Jay-Z the rapper, there will be a world of differences between Sean Carter the father and Jay-Z the MC.   In my opinion now is the perfect time for Jay to become a father because there are so many issues that are plaguing our community that begin with the lack of father figures.  This new baby will allow him to lead by example.  Hip Hop needs a ‘cool’ dad. Jay’s influence on pop culture is immeasurable, and now more than ever men need to look at what he is doing and follow suit. 

Will Jay’s new role as a dad cause a call to action for young men to stand up and be accountable for their actions? Or will this be just another opportunity that our culture misses to make some form of change.   Fatherless homes are an epidemic in the black and latino community, and now more than ever we need somebody with influence to reach out to these young men and tell them to pull their pants up and be fathers to their children.   Hopefully, the man who is known for his razor sharp tongue will use his power to help instill a sense of responsibility in some young men who are looking for direction and guidance.  Each man is responsible for his own action, but as a father myself I know the excitement that Jay is feeling right now, and I also know how that excitement and sense of pride can be used to change the world and get to the root of what is ailing our society. 

There are plenty of examples of black love and men who are responsibly parenting  in our society who get over looked every day. Jay isn’t the first man to stand firm in the love for his woman and build a strong family structure, and he won’t be the last.  But as he once told us himself  ‘you are now looking at one smart black boy” Well that  “boy” has blossomed into a man before our very eyes, and now it’s time for every male in the Hip Hop community to do the same thing…stand up and be  MEN before we lose an entire generation of children to the ills of ours society. 

Leave a comment and let me know…

WHAT DO YOU SAY…WILL JAY-Z’S NEW ROLE AS A FATHER PROVIDE A POSITIVE EXAMPLE FOR MEN?

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WHEN A MAN IS FED UP…

Filed Under: LOVE AND SEX AND MARRIAGE by showtime — 7 Comments
November 10, 2010

SHOWTIME SAYS…

We all know the phrase that has been said so many times over the years…”When A Womans Fed Up…” So fellas we know that when a woman is fed up, there aint nothing we can do about it, right? But ladies what about when men get fed up. Is it anything that can be done to salvage a situation once a brotha is ready to walk away?

In the early 90′s there was a song called “Lookin’ At The Front Door” by Main Source. One of my favorite lines from that song was when Large Professor said “my friends always tell me how I’m lucky to possess/The best looking girl in the whole U.S./But every time you scream, you blow your finesse/Tryin’ to dis the Profess” So many times when we are looking at other folks relationship we think that everything is going good for them, just because they “look cute together” or because “they never argue”.  As you probably already know from your own life experiences, men aren’t like women, if we aren’t satisfied in a relationship, we may not verbalize it publicly like women do.  A woman who is not happy will find a way to tell her girlfriends, her mom, her sister, and anybody else who will listen to them if she feels like she is not able to effectively communicate with her mate.  A man on the other hand will usually save any public theatrics and keep his thoughts to himself and speak on it at home.  Most men have a problem with expressing how they truly feel to their woman when things are going good.  So that same lack of communication can come into play when things are going bad.  It’s a bad trait that we have.  But if we want things to get better, we have to learn to communicate with our women and let them know what we want and what can be done to improve each situation.

Usually, when a man is in a relationship he expects the same thing from his woman that she expects of him…that’s USUALLY.  We all want love, kind words, affectionate touches, sex regularly, those moments of affirmation when she makes it known that she won’t be going anywhere because you are the only one that matters.   But what happens, when those things start to decrease and the arguments and beef start to increase.   Ladies let me tell you a secret that you may not be hip to yet.  It don’t take much to keep us happy.   For the most part all you gotta do is feed us…f*ck us…and show interest in the things that are interesting to us.  If your man like sports, try to sit down and watch a game with him every now and then.  If he likes Xbox, then get you a gamer tag and play along with him sometimes.  You have to let him know that you can be his homie…lover…and his friend.

Usually it takes a lot to push a man over the edge once he commits himself to a woman.  Just speaking from experience, I know that some of the things that can make a man want to give up include but are not limited to; being too needy, being too argumentative, not having any drive or passion to better yourself, being insecure, and just flat out not being the same type of person.  I think a lot of time we get fed up due to boredom.  It’s easy to get bored with someone who you have been with for a while.  ladies, it’s YOUR responsibility to make sure that your man stays excited about being with you, just as it is HIS responsibility to make sure that you are satisfied in every area of the relationship.   Sometimes ladies you have to check yourself, because a man won’t always tell you when he is close to a breaking point.  The one thing that you don’t want to do is think that no matter what you do he is always going to come back.  Just because you have had issues that were resolved in the past does not mean that you can keep doing the same thing and not get kicked to the curb.

Ladies, here are a few things I think you can do to prevent your man from gettin’ fed up.

LET A MAN BE A MAN - I understand that we are in a day and time when women are capable of doing jus as much if not more in life then their man is.  But sometimes the best part of being a man, is feeling like a man.  When you’re walking into a store, let him hold the door for you.  When it’s time to pick out what movie and go to dinner you are going to see give him the opportunity to make the reservations and get the tickets.  Those are just some of the small things that can sometimes make a big difference.

DON’T BE TOO NEEDY OR CLINGY- Now this may be a little tricky for some women.  Because even though you should let a man be a man, you still need to have your own sense of independence.  Unless your man is one of the men who used to be on Jerry Springer back in the day, men don’t want women who can’t think for themselves.  You existed before you and he got together, so you have to make sure you keep that same sense of self dependency that you had before you met him.  Sometimes when women get into relationships, and they are really feeling the guy they lose their sense of self.  It becomes more about what HE thinks as opposed to what you know is right for you.   You don’t have to attach yourself to the man’s hip just for him to care about you.  Look for clues, if he isn’t exhibiting the signs of wanting to be around you, and doesn’t seem as enthused about what you have with him then you have a problem….HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!

DO THE SAME THINGS YOU DID TO GET HIM AFTER YOU’VE GOTTEN HIM – Now this is one of the biggest reasons that guys get fed up.  Women will do things in the beginning of the relationship, and once they get comfortable it’s a wrap.  So many times I hear brothas say that their woman used to do things like cook, keep a clean house, do fun things with them, and keep then interested in the beginning stages only to turn into a totally different person as time goes on.  Ladies you gotta keep it consistent. And if you don’t keep it consistent, you need to find a way to compensate for the areas that you have fallen off.   You put in all of that hard work in the beginning, don’t let it go to waste just because you don’t think you have enough time or energy to dedicate to keeping your man happy.

DON’T TALK…JUST LISTEN – You know I’m really big on open and honest communication. IF something is going wrong then you both need to work together to resolve the problem.  But like a wise person told me, you can’t listen and talk at the same time.  If you have a man who isn’t very vocal but you can tell that things aren’t right, you have to find a way to engage him in the conversation.  If and when he does finally start to talk and express certain things, listen to what he says and learn from it.  Once you have at least attempted to grasp what he is saying, then let him know you want and desire out of the situation and how it can be better.  There isn’t one problem that can’t be resolved if the two parties are willing to sit down, talk to each other, and just spend time LISTENING.

Women think that when a man is fed up that the first thing that he is going to think about doing is cheating.  That’s not always the case.  Sometimes a man can be fed up and still love you enough to stick around.  But you have to ask yourself, how long is he going to stick around being miserable, and what can I do to make the situation better?

LEAVE ME A COMMENT AND LET ME KNOW…

WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS TO KNOW WHEN A MAN IS FED UP…???

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THE UPS AND DOWNS OF THE FRIEND ZONE

Filed Under: LOVE AND SEX AND MARRIAGE by showtime — Leave a comment
October 28, 2010

SHOWTIME SAYS…

The FRIEND ZONE…you know what it is fellas. You meet a woman and you start talking to her on the phone regularly. You hang out with her a few times. She might even give you the honor of letting you give her a kiss on the lips. But, that’s about as far as it goes. You try your hardest to take it to the next level, but nothing pops off. So what do you do? Or ladies you meet a guy and you kinda like him, but he just wants things to go a little bit further than you want them to. What do you do?

From a man’s pont of view, the friend zone is usually perceived as the absolute worst place you want to be….OR IS IT?!?!? My position on the friend zone is a little different than most men. I think the friend zone allows you to get to know the woman better then you would if you were to just hop into a situation where you are dealing with her on an intimate level. Think about it, when you’re in a relationship the person that you are with should be like your best friend. There shouldn’t be anything that you can’t tell that person and nothing they should be able to share everything with you . So the best way to start a relationship that is truly worth anything is to start off as friends.

When a woman trusts you with her friendship you can get the information from her that should help you decide if she is even worth your time. A lot of times women tell you things without actually telling you. All you have to do is engage in conversation and listen. Not only that, even if you never get out of the friend zone with that particular woman, she is more then likely to give you insight and information that you can use in the future with other women.

A lot of men think that they have to kick some type of game in order to make sure that they stay out of the friend zone. But the fact of the matter is, the key to staying out of the friend zone is honesty. All you have to do is be honest with the woman. She will respect that a lot more then if you are pretending to be her friend just to get a taste of her cookies. If you are only trying to get the drawls, then just let her know and see if she is down with if. If she is with it, then you have just landed into a friends with benefits situation. The good thing about that is that if you really like her then the friends with benefits has the possibility of turning into a real deal relationship. Don’t be afraid of those types of situations either. Sometimes the friends with benefits can turn out to be the best ones for you. You’ve been friends for so long, and you just begin to know each other so well that it only makes sense that you take things to the next level and pursue a relationship with the person.

Now ladies, you have to know that the friend zone is an asset to you, BUT you have to use it wisely. You can’t just go puttin every dude you meet in the friend zone just because you are waiting on Idris Elba to pop into your life. You need to use the friend zone as a way to get a better understanding of men, and why we do what we do. Choose the men who you put into the friend zone very very wisely. If the man isn’t bringing some sort of value to your life, then you need to cut him of. At least be honest with him and let him know that this relationship is going no further then the occasional phone call, text messages while you’re bored at work, and a meal from Ruby Tuesdays on your off pay weeks.

If you have a dude that you know you only want to be friends with, you need to tell him so that there are no unrealistic expectations on his part. A dude will spend a lot of his time and money just because he thinks he has a shot at becoming more than friends. You don’t really want to do this to a guy who is a genuine good dude. Now if it’s somebody who you don’t really care about and you know he only wants sex,  aye that’s all part of the game. You may want the same thing that he wants. Or then again you may not. Just don’t lead the guy on. Let him decide if he wants to be in that friend zone or not.

The friend zone definitely has it’s purpose, but I think the key to it is communication. If you feel like you’re in the zone and you don’t want to be, you have to let her know. It’s possible that she put you there subconsciously and didn’t know that you really had an interest. Ladies, if you want to put a man in the zone then you HAVE to let him know where he stands if he is making any type of moves on you. It’s only fair that when you see signs of the friend zone developing that you discuss it with the other party so that neither of you is wasting your time.

Leave a comment and let me know…

WHAT DO YOU SAY…DO YOU THINK THAT WOMEN AND MEN FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT THE FRIEND ZONE?

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THE SOCIAL NETWORK AND THE SINGLE LIFE

Filed Under: LOVE AND SEX AND MARRIAGE by showtime — Leave a comment
October 3, 2010

SHOWTIME SAYS…

It’s no secret that one of the biggest inventions of the last 50 years was the creation of the social network. The social network in it’s infancy wasn’t much more than a chat room where people created screen names and came into the rooms and typed to each other for hours every day. If you got real lucky you could get somebody who caught your interest to talk to you via instant message, and really get down to business. Those chat rooms and IM’s didn’t have a real impact on the world’s social and dating scenes. Some folks may have hooked up with people from Black Planet or AOL Black voices, but those chat rooms never really penetrated society like the social networks of today.

The first REAL influential social networking site in America was Myspace. Myspace went from “A place for musicians” to “A place where you can find some freaks” in a matter of years. Now that Myspace has ran it’s course, the current places for cyber hook ups are Facebook and Twitter. Up until a few years ago, Facebook was all about keeping people connected who went to college together. Once they let the GED getting, 45 college credit having, only up here to promote parties people who have no college affiliation start getting pages, it was a WRAP.

So that brings me to the point of this post. How the use of social networking affected the single person. Does conventional dating still exist, or is it all about meeting someone online, hooking up, and then moving on to the next one? I don’t know about you, but whenever I meet someone new, one of the first questions I ask is ‘are you on twitter” or “what’s your name on Facebook”

As a man I know that the use of social networks has made it extremely easy to meet women. I can sit in my house, lounge on my sofa and get caught up in the social networking matrix. I can go through dozens of pics of any woman who may catch my interest. I can find out if she is single, has kids, is looking for a relationship, or has some of the same interests that I do just by the click of a button. So why would I even need to go out to a club or bar, when I could just make my pitch online and save myself the hassle of getting dressed…driving to a spot…buying drinks and hoping that someone takes interest in me? See, the internet has made it easy for single folk. If you are just looking to hook up…there’s an app for that….If you want to find someone who may be looking for a relationship…there’s an app for that….or if you are looking ro rekindle a long lost love…there is an app for that. Almost any situation that you can think of could be catered to online.

Every man is different in what he wants or needs to achieve satisfaction. I can say that as someone who has been on social networks since about 2006 I’ve experienced it all. The one thing that I can’t help but wonder tho, is if it wasn’t for social networking, would I be in a relationship right now. Without Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter I would be forced to thrust myself into certain social settings. If the social network didn’t exist, I couldn’t depend on using my fingers as a way to communicate. I would have to actually go out and meet people. If I had to guess I would have to say that I spend at least 3 hours a day doing some sort of non verbal communication. Whether it be on the internet or via text message. The social network has killed the art of communication. I will be the first to admit that I am more likely to send a text message, instant message or a message to your inbox before I will pick up the phone and make a call. Some people like this, and some people don’t. A lot of people just accept that it’s a part of today’s culture.

I was talking to a female friend recently about my self diagnosed addiction to social networking. One of the things that she told me was that I would never find a girlfriend as long as I am so dependent on the internet to communicate with people. That made me think. Could I be missing out on my queen to be, just because I like to Tweet and post comments on people’s walls. I guess there was some truth in that statement. It took me a while to realize that I had a really bad addiction to twitter. That addiction has actually caused arguments with me and women that I have gone out with. But as a single man it’s easy to get sucked into the appeal of social networks. There are so many dope women on the innanets, sometimes it’s like being in the matrix. You click one page and you see gorgeous woman…then one of her friends is even more gorgeous….then someone who commented on her pics is like your city’s very own Halle Berry. Before you know it, you have spent 6 hours on the innanets looking at pictures and thinking about how BAD certain women are.

Since  I know from first hand experience how easy it is to get caught up with these social networks I’ve decided to give yall a few tips on how to balance being single when you’re in love with a social network.

  • Is it just a hook up? - The majority of people who are on social networking sites, especially men are just looking to hook up.  If you think you are going to meet Mr. or Mrs Right via Twitter of Facebook then you need to wake up.   If you ARE looking for serious relationships then you need to make sure you are filtering your searches for people who are looking for the same thing.   Aint no need to go through profiles of people who are swingers or looking for an open relationship when you are ready to settle down and have a family.  And don’t be afraid to meet someone via social networking.   The same people on the computer are the same ones in the club, in the mall, at church or in the grocery store.   Internet hook ups aren’t as taboo as they once were.  So if you are looking for a quick fix…then go head and make it happen.
  • Don’t play yaself - I have heard too many stories of men and women just flat out playing themselves on the innanets.  If you send shorty a message and she don’t reply within three days or so, then she probably is just not that into you.  If you send her another message and she still don’t reply in another 3 days then you can forget about it.  If you send her ANOTHER message, and she still don’t reply, then you’re just a  damn stalker and you need to #haveaseat somewhere in a corner by yourself.
  • Get out and meet some real people – I tell people all the time, that the innanet is just a front…Nothing is actually real on the world wide web. It’s just a place where people go to escape from reality.  It’s kind of like getting high without taking any drugs.   If you are single and are able to get up and get out, there is no excuse for you to be at home at 3:00am on a Saturday trying to see who is on FB chat for you to holla at.  #FAIL
  • Don’t take it too seriously – It’s just the innanet for petes sake.  If you are up there with only the intention of meeting jumpoffs, then you are more then likely to find what  you are looking for.   But don’t get up there and see a man/woman that you’re are interested in and then see them out in public and the first thing you ask them is “WHY YOU AINT FOLLOWING ME GIRL?” That just makes you look like a lame.  Have some dignity about yourself.
  • Every person you talk to online isn’t your boyfriend/girlfriend – The last thing you want is to be seen as a social networking jumpoff.   You don’t have to smash every person you meet online.   From my experience, your perception of the person is not actually who they are.   There are usually some holes in whatever story he/she gives you.  So try to take some time to get to know the person before you actually give up the drawls.

Just like anything else in life, social networking has it’s pros and cons.  The key is not letting it determine your reality.  I’m sure that there have been plenty of people who have met someone one line and gone on to have successful relationships with them.  Anything is possible if you are open to it and know what you are looking for.  Social networking is here to stay, and as long as there are large numbers of people gathering in the same place there will be some sort of

Leave a comment and let me know…

WHAT DO YOU SAY…HOW HAS SOCIAL NETWORKING AFFECTED YOUR DATING LIFE?

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